Ships and Surprises
by Smackalicious
Summary: Just another typical day at NCIS. Okay, not really. [Millions of pairings. No, really. Very crackish.]


**Title: Ships and Surprises  
Rating: PG-13  
Category: Romance, Humor, PWP  
Genre: Het, Slash, Mixed  
Pairing: More than you could possibly count. (Well, I counted 15. At least. There may be more. And I think you guys can all count to 15.)  
Summary: Just another typical day at NCIS . . . okay, not really.  
Spoilers: None.  
Disclaimer: These characters belong to DPB, CBS, Paramount, et al. No copyright infringement is intended.  
Author's Notes: Came about after a discussion regarding the writer's strike and someone saying, "What if the costume designers went on strike?" and my mind being dirty from then on. **

* * *

Tony stepped off the elevator, backpack slung over one shoulder as always, and wandered over to his desk. Nobody else had arrived yet, so he set his backpack down and strolled around, slapping McGee's computer monitor like it was a tom-tom, scanning through Ziva's mail, gazing longingly at Gibbs' desk . . .

The elevator dinged its arrival again, and this time, McGee stepped off, hair slicked back and sunglasses perfectly in place. He walked purposefully to his own desk, as Tony finally noticed him.

"Timothy, baby," Tony greeted in a mock Sammy Davis, Jr. voice, coming at the younger agent with open arms. "Give the Tony some love."

McGee brushed off Tony's approach, turning and placing his sunglasses on his desk. "I don't think so, Tony. We're naked, remember?"

Tony frowned. "You're no fun, Pro-bie." The elevator opened again, and this time, Ziva walked out, just as nude as the two men. Tony turned to her, a grin on his face. "Ziva!"

Ziva continued walking toward him, looked down at his crotch, and chuckled to herself, before continuing to her desk and then looking at McGee's crotch and smiling.

"McGee," she purred, "you are enjoying working in the nude, yes?" She gave him another appreciative glance. "I know I have found it to be a pleasurable experience."

McGee blushed and moved to sit at his desk, leaving Ziva staring at his bare butt as he did so. Tony watched the scene unfold with a frown.

"I think your behavior is bordering on a red light situation, Zee-vah," he accused, swaggering over to her.

Ziva rolled her eyes and sat down at her own desk. "You only say that because I am not sexually harrassing _you_." She gave him a pointed look, which he returned with a glare.

"I just don't see what McGeek's got that I don't," he responded.

"A Porche." The duo turned to face their boss, who had just tromped in, carrying a cup of coffee.

Tony gave Ziva a questioning look and she shrugged. "Partially true," she agreed.

Tony scoffed while McGee watched the exchange, amused, until a gentle slap from Gibbs reminded him why he was there. "Got something for us, Boss?" he asked, as Tony sulked.

Gibbs smirked. "Nope." The trio turned back to continue their work. Gibbs whistled and they looked up again. "I don't have anything, but Abby does." He walked to the elevator, triggering the three agents to follow him.

The ride to Abby's lab was tense, as expected, since four naked people in an elevator is rarely a comfortable situation. Tony was standing in the front with Gibbs, much to his chagrin, as that left Ziva and McGee standing in the back, where Ziva was free to harass the other agent as much as she wanted.

"Boss, wouldn't you rather have McGee up here with you?" Tony asked, panic setting in as he caught Ziva inching closer to McGee, as McGee attempted to melt into the elevator wall.

Gibbs remained staring straight ahead, the tiniest hint of a smile gracing his face as he watched Ziva snake her hand toward McGee and McGee grab her wrist before the situation got too intense. "Nope." Ziva pouted at McGee interrupting her, and Gibbs spoke again. "But if you two don't knock it off, I'll lock you both in an interrogation room."

Tony chuckled to himself. "Sounds good to me, Boss."

Ziva's voice lilted from behind them. "For me, as well."

Tony's smile fell. "Hey, wait . . ."

The elevator doors opened and Gibbs exited, followed quickly by McGee. Ziva stood by Tony's side for a moment. "Do not worry, Tony," she said, as he remained staring forward, trying to process Gibbs' threat. "I am positive Abby will be happy to see you." She chuckled to herself, quickly walking to Abby's lab.

Tony grumbled to himself, finally leaving the elevator and making his way to join the rest of the team. He entered Abby's lab to see her explaining her results excitedly to Gibbs, her only adornment the dog collar around her neck and her barrage of tattoos, now fully exposed.

"And then we - meaning myself and Major Mass Spec, of course - found that . . ." Her train of thought trailed off as she noticed Tony. "Tony!" She made as if to jump into his arms, and he opened his arms, looking very forward to a naked Abby hugging him, but Gibbs cleared his throat, leaving Tony unsatiated. Abby pouted, mouthing, "Later," to Tony.

"You were saying, Abby?" Gibbs urged, as Abby fixed him with a look.

"I heard you threated to lock Ziva and Timmy in an interrogation room," she said, eyes sparkling. "Kinky, Gibbs. I didn't realize you had it in you."

Gibbs smirked despite his annoyance. "The case, Abbs."

"Patience, my silver haired fox," she insisted, then paused, a new line of thinking entering her mind. "So, would you have done the same had I hugged Tony?"

"No," Gibbs responded, becoming more aggravated by the minute. "I wouldn't lock anyone up with DiNozzo, especially not you."

Tony frowned. "I'm still in the room, Boss."

Gibbs smirked again. "I know, Tony." He turned to face his senior field agent. "That's what makes it so fun."

Ziva began chuckling from her position across the room, where she had been trying to . . . _distract_ McGee. Tony glared at her. "Sure. Find entertainment in my pain. See if I care." He crossed his arms over his chest, sulking.

"Aww, Tony baby," Abby soothed, making her way to him and this time wrapping her arms gently around him. "I still love you."

Ziva smirked. "What was it you were saying about red light behavior, Tony?"

Tony gave her a small shrug. "Well, it's not harassment if it's mutual."

Abby turned her head to face Ziva, smiling. "Which is why you need to start being more subtle with Timmy, Ziva." She leaned towards the other woman, lowering her voice. "I think you're scaring him."

"I'm not scared of Ziva, Abby," McGee complained, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm just not used to women being so . . . foward with me, that's all."

Ziva frowned. "Would you prefer to be making the moves, McGee? Because I would not object. You need to actually _make_ the moves, however." She chuckled, as McGee continued to frown.

Gibbs cleared his throat. The foursome looked at him. "Can we get back to work now, or do I have to lock you _all_ in interrogation?"

Abby grinned. "Ooh, Gibbs, now that's _really_ kinky."

Gibbs shook his head, a slight smirk still on his face. "Abby . . ." he was interrupted by his phone ringing. He flipped it open, glaring as Tony idly slid a hand down Abby's side, allowing it to rest on her hip. She let out a contented sigh. "Yeah, Gibbs. Right. I'll be right there." He flipped the phone shut again, holding his hands up as Ziva, Tony and McGee began readying themselves to leave the lab. "Stay here," he ordered them, causing the trio to relax. "And behave yourselves. I'll be back . . . eventually." He turned and left the lab, leaving the remaining four smirking in wonder.

"The Director," Ziva surmised, nodding.

"Or the Duckman," Abby guessed, eyes sparkling with mischief.

Tony's face wrinkled in disgust. "Eww, Abbs. You're really into some weird pairings, you know that?"

"Yep," she responded, perky, as she snuggled herself further into him, her pelvis grinding into his. "That's why I like you so much."

Ziva let out a giggle, which turned into a pleased gasp as McGee slipped his arm around her waist.

Tony glared at the pair. "Well, at least I don't have to inform someone to make a move on me, Zee-vah."

McGee narrowed his eyes. "Maybe I didn't want to come off as desperate, Tony."

"Now now, boys," Abby chided, stepping between the bickering agents. "Play nice. We have a goal to accomplish, after all."

Ziva nodded her agreement. "Right. The case."

Abby shook her head, still smiling, as she reached over and tweaked one of Ziva's nipples, causing her to breathe in sharply, and Tony and McGee to let out identical moans. Abby spoke. "Nope. Gibbs' mystery lover."

McGee groaned. "Oh, Abby, give it up. Nobody else cares that much about Gibbs' sex life." He was met with silence, and gave them worried looks. "What? Gibbs didn't come back, did he?"

"No, Probie," Tony answered, slapping McGee upside the head. "But we should all be concerned what the Boss is doing in the bedroom. We wouldn't want to see him getting hurt by another redhead, would we?"

"I _knew_ it was the Director," Ziva muttered under her breath, her eyes gleaming with something that looked to be a mix of jealousy, betrayal and anger.

McGee flicked his gaze between Tony and Ziva. "Ookay." He paused. "Can't we just be happy for him? I mean, _we're_ happy in our current . . . situations. Can't we just let him be happy, no matter who it's with?"

Abby let out a sigh, crossing the distance between herself and McGee and giving him a hug, leaving Tony and Ziva looking on jealously. Suddenly, Tony looked up, hit with an idea.

"There's a way we can all be happy," he started, eyes gleaming.

"I am not sharing McGee with anyone," Ziva insisted, wrapping her arm tighter around McGee's waist.

Tony looked a bit depressed about that, but quickly recovered, turning to Abby. "Abbs? I know how much you love the Bossman . . ."

Abby bit her lip, thinking. "Well, I guess it would depend on who the other person is . . ."

Tony groaned. "Oh, come _on_, Abby. We all know it's the Director. And don't tell me you're not interested in getting into _that_ business suit."

"Tony, we don't know for sure that it's her . . ." Abby continued.

"Who else could it possibly be?" Tony asked.

"You'd be surprised, DiNutso."

Tony slowly turned around. "Tobias Fornell."

Fornell smirked at him. "Surprise."

Tony chuckled softly to himself. "Ah, yeah. That was a good one." He turned back to the other three. "I was totally just joking about all that other stuff, by the way."

"You sure about that, Lover Boy?"

Tony couldn't help it - his face lit up. "Boss."

Gibbs simply smirked. It was just too easy being him.


End file.
